Doppelgangers??

Sorry for the delayed post I know many of you fans have been eagerly awaiting. So anyway its needless to say that back in the states I had a lot of friends I mean A LOT!! However, I had very few close friends, friends that would loan me money, pick up the check, bail me out of jail etc. So ya you can say I do miss these people. I miss sitting around the bar talking, I miss going out to eat, walking around causing trouble, randomly bumping into them on the street. So as you can probably guess in my waking hours I do a lot of reflecting and thinking about these people, now as I've stated in previous posts I'm not a scientist and and I'm not crazy (maybe); But I know what I've been seeing and that is here in Japan I see people who look exactly like my friends back home... I know I know now I don't want to sound like one of those people who say they see imaginary things like ghosts, aliens, Barack Obama working... But yes I am seeing asian doppelgangers of my friends back home. Theres Jap Jim, Asian Alex, Yellow Laura... well you get the idea. It's so deceiving that I actually walked up to a guy in a bar and said "Wes whats up, I didn't know tonight was gay night" and didn't realize it wasn't Wes until the man responded "Nani? uuuggghhhh?" So again I pose this to the science community, Is it possible I am suffering from some brain disorder where my wanting for my friends are creating images that are just not there? Like Patriots fans who watch games and think the see a secondary. Do I have a condition like the Stockholm syndrome... or is it the Stockham syndrome....?

Winnie the Pooh...WTF??

Japan loves Winnie the Pooh, I don't think that will shock anyone. A stupid "cute" character that hangs with his buddies and eats hunny, they love Pooh I haven't been to a house yet that didn't have some Pooh Merch, there are even stores dedicated to the sale of Pooh housewares and other crap, he's more marketable than Obama and I wouldn't be surprised if either one ended up on the yen or the dollar sometime soon. So one day while I was on my exploratory walkabouts with one of my girls I wasn't too shocked to see that there is a bar dedicated to Pooh... at first glimpse I couldn't stop laughing "hahaha even Pooh has his own bar hahaha how gay" unfortunately the place hadn't opened yet so I couldn't go in but my mind delighted with ideas of what it was like inside and how much fun I'll have and stories to tell. I snapped a few photos vowed my return and went to drink and play karaoke. A few days later curiosity had gotten the best of me and I set out again with a woman to see what this place was all about. My mind danced with visions of drinking brew out of "hunny" pots and being served buy someone in a Pooh costume, maybe cute girls dressed as rabbit, and roo hahahaha I was gitty. I walked in the door and within moments realized I was nowhere near stepping into the hundred acre wood, this place was closer to hell. If you ever visit Japan one of the first things you'll notice is there attention to service, everywhere customers are God's at Drunker The Phoo I was intruding. The place was small 10-12 seats encompassing a horseshoe style bar, cigarette smoke hung in the air like London fog, and the bartender looked at me like all he was about to serve was pain. I have a pretty good track record of never leaving a bar without getting 1 drink, I've even mistakenly walked into gay bars and stayed for one, word to the wise if you notice figure skating on the bar flat screen well Dorothy... Anyway Drunker the Phoo was just that I knew I wasn't going to make a night of this place but I had to prove I had the courage to last at Drunker the Phoo...???WTF! The bartender and I eyeballed one another as my girl ordered drinks, I just kept saying "big beer!, big beer" hoping that would earn me some respect, it did little if none. The bartender was interesting to say the least, if I had to guess he was about 5'6 maybe 145-150 he wore a sleeveless red T-shirt (maybe to emulate the pooh vest?) and his arms were strong and lean, and he had some Tribal? tattoo on his shoulder, and a scar of dubious origins stretched across his biceps. He ungratefully poured our beers, took her money and I grabbed us some seats where my back could be against the wall. The other patrons were just as hardened, their skin was like leather and most had serious dental issues. I felt sad, my dream of cute girls, people dressed as animals, alcohol and good times was a bust. I was worried what would the headlines read? "American knifed to death at Drunker the Phoo" I wasn't going to let it end this way. I pounded my beer then my girls and left before they could arrange my drugging and demise, if I sound paranoid well, you tend to get paranoid when everyone around you is talking, looking at you, not smiling and you can't understand shit. Disappointed, I ended the night and grabbed some whiskey for the walk home. When I got back home I checked my photos of Drunker the Phoo I had taken some days ago and there I saw it, amongst the many Pooh dolls in the top right corner of the display there is a crucified Winnie the Pooh!! complete with outstretched hands and blood (see top pic)...it all made sense finally, now we all know who truly died for our sins and I should have shown some respect...

Japan is Creepy...

So I woke up the other day after a long night of drinking brews with my man Mad Dog at his house. Mad Dog wakes me up with a brew and a plate of eggs and rice, not exactly ham and eggs but whatever I needed the sustinance. I killed off the rice and eggs, it's about 9am and Mad Dog and I are pounding brews watching the Mariners game, Mad Dog's wife comes in at one point and he sends her to the store for more brew, good man, better woman. She takes off and Mad Dog and I start smoking and he shows me some porno's he got. Now I've never been a huge fan of watching porn with other men but I've done it and I respect it's cultural relevance so I'm game. Porn in Japan is surprisingly tame, and they even sensor the good parts but the girls are hot and you can use your imagination when necessary. Mad Dogs a good guy gives you a place to stay, booze to drink, food to eat and even shows you some tits not bad for a man I can't verbally communicate with, I'm no science geek but I think there's an interesting case study here, do all men want the same thing? Sleep, Food, Booze, Tits I wonder if you put a bunch of guys from all nationality's in a room together who can't communicate add food, booze, and porn could they communicate? Fuck you M.I.T Murf's the real scientist. Anyway after a couple hours I look over and Mad Dog is passed out again, the guy is 80+ years old so it's forgiven. I hit his fridge before leaving and grab a couple "streeters" that's what foreigners call drinking on the street (which is legal here!!!) and I head to this park I sometimes go to, not much there but there's a pond with big ass carp in it that are fun to look at and you can throw shit at them if your bored, their easy to hit and it makes a funny noise. Anyway I get to the park and start looking at the fish drinking the rest of Mad Dog's brews (he would have wanted it this way) and I realize there is another part of the park I've never been to. Always being the one for adventure I say fuck it lets check it out maybe there's some more wildlife. I journey down a narrow path not much going on here a bunch of old guys playing Japanese chess, they give me nods in respect. Finally I get to like a man made river pretty lame but I can see the appeal for kids though no one was present at the time. I look around and a very precarious sign catches my eye. Fearing my suspicions of this sign are correct but not able to properly read it I snap a photo and I take it to one of my girls for translation. If you look to the image posted you'll see two large X's the X by the little kid basically says "don't throw shit in the water" however by the smile on the child's face and the fact he looks like a young cartoon me I was tempted to do just that, throwing shit = fun. The second X however is a much more darker image as you probably can suspect this park has had its share of problems... The translation is basically "watch out for men hiding in bushes taking photos of your children as you change their clothes" WTF... I walked back to the fish pond dutifully looking for that exact man hiding behind a bush, as strange as it sounds I always wanted to come across a pedo in action, there's nothing you can do to that person that you would ever feel bad about, bat to the skull...no sleep lost, Chuck Liddell style beatdown... I'm smiling, Streetfighter Ryu tiger uppercut that sends the man into a coma, I'm LOLing. Whatever happened to Smokey the bear and Woodsie the Owl, these kids have to worry about Takashi the toucher... Anyway Japan is a nation of contrasts on one hand innocent men drinking and looking at tits... and the other a shameful disgusting truth.

My Crew

So I've been getting a lot of emails lately from fans asking me who I chill with while I'm here in Tokyo. Well it's very interesting while most of the people who approach me are young beautiful women looking to hang out with a big strong American I haven't really been able to find any male allies, you know like my boys from back home a bunch of rowdy, fool hardy, go getter's who enjoy a drink, a story and maybe the company of a woman from time to time. Japanese males here my age are easily intimidated and don't really approach me, must be hard for them to watch me steal away all their women so I don't really blame them. However, there is a demographic that does respect me... old Japanese men... Now I was always pretty cool with the old I made a bunch of friends in Brooklyn at the palace mostly Nam vets and retired Irish NYPD but we got along fine, but here in Japan yup the old men are fans. I don't know why we can barely communicate, drink is our common language and I suppose they respect the attention I get from young women. Anyway it doesn't bother me much and the old timers always bankroll my idiocy so that's cool. So let me introduce the boys:

From Left to right:

Koji aka Yellvis: a true playboy, loves drinking and talking to women, can sing and play Elvis songs on guitar, also a fan of the "Irish Exit" vanishes from time to time no one is really sure where he goes, or what he is searching for...

Kevin Murphy aka Diesel, aka K-murf, aka Pimp Daddy K, aka The cosmic Kid: His reputation speaks for its self.

Ito-san aka Mad Dog: A habitual gambler it's rumored that Mad Dog spent his dialysis treatment money on a long shot at an OTB. He's had his thumbs broken on two occasions and boasts major surgery on every organ. Half of his stomach has been removed due to cancer, doctors told him he's never drink again and Mad Dog told them...fuck you. Not much of the ladies man but I think he's long past Viagra, his earliest childhood memory is helping his father put on his Samurai armour to fight against the emperor.

Tojo aka Smiles: Not the man you want to meet in a dark ally. Served in WWII at Wake island, was kicked out of the Japanese military for being Too cruel. Since then he turned on the government and operates an independent AM radio station full of conspiracy theories. Served as an advisor at Gitmo under then President George W. Bush. Doesn't drink alcohol, only coffee and tea, he claims he sleeps less than 1hr a day. Enjoys watching ALF.

So ya those are my boys!! We're gonna rule this town!!

Food

Stuff in Japan is weird, food for example is very strange and as much as the hipsters in the old hood claimed to like "Japanese food" Sushi, tempura, and rice doesn't really paint the whole picture. There is tons of other shit and as close to "American" as it gets it never really gets it right. Like there is a burger place by my house Mos Burger www.mos.co.jp/english/ cheese burgers pretty simple idea: Meat, Cheese, Bun. However in Japan nothing is that easy Mos Burger for example: Meat, Cheese, Bun, Tomato, OK so good so far and ya lets top it off with some minced carrot... now as foreign as this sounds its not terrible, its just not needed. Pizza for example, Japan: Tomato sauce, cheese, and yup corn.... Now I know this may sound very avoidable but it really isn't they like this shit. Wanna buy a loaf of bread well loaves are sold in your choice of 5 or 13 slices... why? Odd numbers? really with bread? They must love the Dagwood out here or something. Common items that are hard to find if not impossible: Pickles, Relish, Mustard, BBQ sauce, Cheese, Potato's, Potato Chips, Apples, Turkey, and pretty much anything else you'd find at Thanksgiving or a backyard BBQ. Food I will give credit to, Ham, they have a lot of ham sandwiches here and its good, I even like the mayo out here that I give respect to. Anyway for my bday the other day my man ko-chan took me out for a steaks and brews a gesture that had me giddy with excitement all day, now I don't want to seem ungrateful the gesture was amazing and kind but say hello to a $60.00 7oz Japanese "steak" we traveled 1hr to the "finest" steak house and all I could think was I could get a 16oz NY strip at Uno's for 16.99. The quality was good, the service amazing, but I left hungry and I felt the place cheated my buddy but that's just how it is here... still adjusting.

Japan Bar Day 1

So day 1 in Japan and I'm on my way to register with the state dept. I walk in the building and clear as day see signs for Foreign Alien registration... in English. So I approach the counter and ask to register and the asshole doesn't even speak English!! Luckily for him I'm a very patient man and a few minutes later I'm in the waiting room holding on to a pager (like the one you get at the 99) waiting for this ignoramus to finish my paperwork. Finally I get buzzed and he says there may be a problem with my job code... I assure the man it's legit and like a true Jedi master I wave him off "There is no problem here" he's stamps the docs and I'm on my way. This stressed me out a bit and I needed to unwind so I popped into a local watering hole for a spirit. I'm still not used to people gawking at me, or worse pretending they are not gawking at me so I tend to stare back. After a couple minutes two middle aged men come in drunk off their asses, I check the clock 2:30pm on a Thursday... my type of people. The men take no notice of me stumble over to a table order a bunch of sake's and begin arm wrestling!!! This of course got my interest and I quickly walked over to observe and show support for the asinine behavior amongst grown men. Smiles came over their faces and not before long I was in the rotation slamming back sake's and slamming down wrists as they took their turns trying to knock off the big American. Now I used to be pretty strong, and if I wasn't the strongest I could still fall back on my endurance, after a few matches it was clear both my strength and endurance were but distant memories. I blamed my failure on jet lag and lack of sleep not quite sure they understood but I rolled with it and kept drinking. The men then tell me basically they want women, this was translated by grabbing my chest area and sputtering "girl, girl". So I figured I owed it my my hosts to give it a shot and they took me to another place. We sat at a table ordered some brews and scoured the joint for tail. Pickings are slim at 5pm on a Thursday not to mention my cohorts weren't exactly Abercrombie models; but fuck it lets try. After a few tough moments of silence a group of ugly business women herded in and I figured this was our best shot. I took a beat to let the women get settled then approached cigarette in hand and asked for a light. One woman resembling a garbage pail kid I used to own obliged, and after a few moments of me slinging my usual rhetoric I was in. I waved my boys over and did some horrible introductions and we all sat down. I stayed for another couple rounds, excused myself went to the bathroom and then walked out without another word. Day 1 was behind me and a place to lay my head was all I wanted. I hoped on a bus, prayed to god it was headed the right way, and put another story in the book.